Dreaming…
When your kid wants something so much…
When they’ve worked so hard to make it happen…
When it’s within their grasp…
But. Then.
Things change.
The stock market comes crashing down.
Businesses slow down.
Fear settles in.
Insecurity takes up space.
Practicality. Frugality. Reality. All of the -ality’s are here…
But.
There’s nothing more I want than to make this kid’s dream come true.
I know it doesn’t guarantee happiness or success or anything, really. But if you don’t live for a dream, what are you living for?
A huge branch, seemingly alive, fell off my special tree the other day. Inexplicably, really. It was full of blooming buds. Why did it give up the ghost?
This tree has been my most constant parenting companion. More than my spouse, more than my dogs. It glittered with ice and watched me cry and bleed and beg…all trying to feed my first baby. The tree covered itself with tiny red buds, just for me, while I rocked and fed my second baby. The tree covered itself in leaves and swayed, baking in the hot DC sun, while I rocked three children in one chair, reading and rereading “Hippos Go Beserk!” and “Llama Llama Mad At Mama.”
This tree and three girls.
It probably should be cut down, but of course I’m resisting.
I’m not one for sentimentalizing objects. It’s easy-come, easy-go…but this tree needs to hang in a little longer. My youngest is about to be 15 and I’d like the tree to see me through these hard years. The tree sits outside her window and, where I once rocked that baby, that teen now does her homework and makeup. The tree is there, watching her grow up. I’ve told my daughter this, “this tree has watched all three of you…she’s special.” I don’t know if that landed…the mutterings of a midlife crazy woman.
It’s all dreams, now.
Dreams of when they were little, the stronger tree, their futures, my hopes.
It’s all dream-like.
Time to walk the puppy and time to give medicine to the old dog with cancer.
Time to put away the groceries and throw out the rotting cucumbers I forgot to eat (the waste).
Time to sit in meditation and take my medication.
Come on, tree.
Stick with me.