My tween friendships kinda sucked 🥴

And it has been a good lesson...

Don’t get me wrong, I am friends with a number of people I knew when I was 11, 12, and 13. And like, real friends, not FB friends.

But.

We had something in the olden days called Slam Books. These were notebooks (think marble) where people would list their favorite songs, foods, places, but it was expressly created to write absolutely horrible things about your classmates, and then to add to the misery, you would pass around the Slam Book so that others could add their comments. 

Yeah, a lot like Mean Girls, except so much worse.

I wrote some really shitty things about girls I both liked and didn’t like. It didn’t really matter how I felt about them; you had to make a power play and get on top of the hierarchical social ladder, especially in my tiny Catholic school. It was eat or get eaten, so the morals got pushed aside.

Did I breathe a word of the social pain I was in at school? Hell, no. Not to my parents. Not the school “counselor” who would call us in to discuss our unChristlike behavior (I put counselor in quotes because it was usually a nun who was just put into another shaming role in the school). Not to the teachers; they were the people who showed me how to cut people with the most unkindness. I think I sometimes complained to my Mom Mom who would hug me, and that helped. Otherwise, all the pain and guilt and shame and worry was shoved deep down. As it was for most of my friends, I am sure. It was not a time of “sharing” or “apologizing” or “making amends.”

I did have one friend who existed outside of a lot of this pain and drama, and with her I felt safe. She didn’t go to my school, so there was relief in her presence. No pretenses to keep up, no gossip to keep in or let out. I think that friendship saved me in my tween years. That, and her sweet Atari set (Donkey Kong for life). 

Other than taking me out of that Catholic viper nest (and they tried, to their credit), I don’t think that my parents could have done much to change the dynamics back then…but…it would have been hugely relieving to have a loving adult to vent to. To cry with and to. To work my complex feelings out with; to be angry (I know I am ending my statements with prepositions, forgive me).

The key word is with.

Tweens and teens don’t need us to fix their lives, they need us to walk the path with them. 

So, when I made my “Parenting in The Messy Middle” online class, I knew I had to address tween friendship in a way that spoke to both how little influence we have and the huge difference we parents can make. Say what? Yes, both things are true.

Tweens and young teens repeatedly report that they very much want their parents to listen to them about this stuff, even as the tweens seem to resist us (think: even the porcupine longs to be hugged by its porcupine mother; they are mammals).

And this is hard, because many of us are expert problem-solvers or problem-avoiders or problem-deniers. 

“Easy, just tell Quinta that she hurt you when she said that.”

“Listen, it will be fine after a good night’s sleep.”

“I am betting your friend isn’t even thinking about this…this is just you worrying about stuff you don’t need to.”

Yeah, I have said those phrases. They stuck.

So, come join the Group Coaching Class so you get your head and messaging straight. 

Not to be perfect or regimented; think mindful, responsive, and aware, instead.

Wondering about the vibe? Here is a link to a teaser module where I talk about the problem of independence.

If you have a friend who is also parenting a tween, bring them! You can discuss the material together!

Don’t forget to use the code…